Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
