I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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