I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
