Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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