Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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