remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Sober January is a disaster.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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