also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
