My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Terrible idea I love it
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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