where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
