I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
