Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
