The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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