is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
