I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Randomize
