Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
