if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
