I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
There's always time for handjobs
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
