No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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