So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
