literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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