im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
