He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
me + whiskey = a bad person
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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