If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
There's always time for handjobs
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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