dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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