how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
