I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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