This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
