I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
You left your phone here
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