She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
