My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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