The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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