sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
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