Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
