I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
