she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
