the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
