I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I don't deserve a penis
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize