I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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