Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
