Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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