ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
