I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
