we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
