I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Randomize
