My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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