i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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