I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
