I'm sorry my penis didn't work
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
