if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
