Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
