does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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