I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
