I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
