On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
