i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
