Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
