i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
