That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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