He had one of those small greek statue penises
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
