In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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