OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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