Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
