You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
