You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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